More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”
As time went by, the hours flew and the margaritas disappeared far too quickly. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.


Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh ****” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[R. Pare]

[Lynn]

It is true. Affluence and power make for smaller balls.

[E1pix]

At last, I finally understand myself.

[R. Pare]

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/_uW7C...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS for SENIORS.........
1 - Talk to yourself. There are times when you need expert advice.

2 - “In style” are the clothes that still fit.

3 - You don't need anger management.
You need people to stop pissing you off.

4 - Your people skills are just fine.
It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down.
I'll remember it.”

6 - “On time” is when you get there.

7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

11 - Aging has slowed you down but hasn't shut you up.

12 - You still haven't learned to act your age
and hope you never will.

. . . And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.



'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes.

[R. Pare]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed: Desperate


The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support

[R. Pare]

• I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.
  
  My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.
  
  Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.
  
  Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.
  
  My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."
  
  She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she's reloading.
  
  When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.
  
  My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
  
  Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.
  
  I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
  
  At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
  
  I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
  
  I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
  
  Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.
  
  As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

[TimH]

[Steve Demeter]

The thread that just keeps on going and going!!!!1

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7Kp...UniformStories

[R. Pare]

Did you know that 25% of women are being treated for mental illness?


That means that 75% of them are walking around unmedicated.

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/IUL61...?feature=share

[eobrien]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/IUL61...?feature=share

Oh dang. Shouldn't have watched that at work. Sure, headphones kept it to me but my laughing gave it away......

[R. Pare]

Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous

Garter snakes (Thamnophis sirtalis), also known as grass snakes, can indeed be dangerous. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had numerous potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife brought many of them indoors to protect them from freezing. Unbeknownst to her, a small green garden snake had hidden in one of the plants. Once warmed, the snake slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa, prompting a loud scream.

Her husband, who was in the shower, ran out naked to see what was wrong. She told him about the snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor to look for it, but just then, their dog cold-nosed him from behind. Thinking he’d been bitten by the snake, he screamed and fell over, prompting his wife to think he’d had a heart attack. She covered him, told him to stay still, and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, ignored his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher, and started carrying him out. At that moment, the snake reappeared, causing one EMT to drop his end of the stretcher, breaking the husband’s leg and sending him to the hospital.

With the snake still loose, the wife called a neighbor, who came over with a rolled-up newspaper. He poked around under the couch and eventually declared the snake gone. The wife, relieved, sat on the sofa, only to feel the snake wriggling between the cushions. She screamed and fainted, sending the snake back under the sofa.

Seeing her unconscious, the neighbor tried CPR. Just then, his wife returned from grocery shopping, saw him with his mouth on the woman’s, and hit him with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp.

The commotion woke the woman, who saw her neighbor unconscious with his wife bending over him. Assuming the snake had bitten him, she poured whiskey down his throat. By now, the police had arrived, smelled the whiskey, and assumed a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest everyone when the women explained it was all due to a garden snake.

The police called another ambulance for the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Meanwhile, the snake slithered out again. One of the officers fired at it, missing the snake but hitting a table leg. The table fell, breaking a lamp and starting a fire in the drapes.

The second officer tried to extinguish the flames but fell through a window into the yard, startling the family dog, which ran into the street, causing a car to swerve and crash into the police car.

Neighbors saw the fire and called the fire department. As they raised a ladder, it snagged overhead wires, cutting power and phone lines in a ten-block area. Fortunately, they extinguished the fire.

Eventually, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog returned, and the police got a new car. Life returned to normal.

Some time later, the couple watched TV as the weatherman announced another cold snap. The wife asked if they should bring in the plants.

That's when the fight started.

[R. Pare]

Decades age the US went to the moon a few times and each time planted the US flag at their landing sites.

As those flags are now actually bleached by sunlight by now and all white, are they now considered French flags?

[R. Pare]

[10rmotor]

Oh dang. Shouldn't have watched that at work. Sure, headphones kept it to me but my laughing gave it away......

Subtitles were your friend!

[CheckeredFlag]

So here's the thing about the Canary Islands:

You can search the Canary Islands through and through but you know, you won't find a canary anywhere.

And that got me thinking the same thing about the Virgin Islands.

I bet you can search the Virgin Islands through and through but you won't find a canary anywhere.

Yeah, I'll show myself out....

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/gBZV4...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/VshAn...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ahJPP...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/mXF_u...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/VKcX0...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/F_ncU...?feature=share

[Steve Demeter]

Aint it the truth

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/sQuvd...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

This one is bad enough to actually be funny:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/W2UYO...?feature=share

[BLS]

This one is bad enough to actually be funny:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/W2UYO...?feature=share

Made me laugh

[R. Pare]

These 2 might ban me!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/7gIpg...?feature=share


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsAXhwY74UM

[Steve Demeter]

If they don't nothing will

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9cm-w...?feature=share

[BLS]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9cm-w...?feature=share

OK, that one really made me laugh!

[Lynn]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documnt their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submittd by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget poundng on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.