Politically Correct Season Greeting
Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Hello, Howdy Ya'll!
Sorry for the delay...our Legal Department just approved the following Season Greeting:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the Gregorian calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, political party affiliation, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation (or lack thereof), of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is provided under the terms of the GNU-GPL and may be clarified, modified, enhanced or withdrawn at any time. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent season greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Extended Greeting Coverage may be offered, where allowed by state and local law, for a small annual service fee. Your mileage may vary.
WARNING: ACCEPTING SEASON GREETINGS CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. THOSE WITH LOW TOLERANCE TO GENUINE DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION ARE WARNED THAT SEASON GREETINGS COULD LEAD TO UNWANTED SMILING, WARMING OF THE HEART, UNINTENTIONAL EXTENDING OF THE ARM IN HANDSHAKING GESTURES, THE DESIRE TO PUT CHANGE IN THE LITTLE RED POT, AND A COMPLETE BREAKDOWN IN THE BELIEF THAT ALL MANKIND ARE SELF CENTERED, UNABLE TO SHOW COMPASSION FOR THEIR FELLOW MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, SENIOR CITIZEN, FENDERED RACE CAR OWNER OR FOUR LEGGED BOOK NARRATOR, AND THAT THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END. A LARGE PORTION OF THOSE WHO HAVE ACCEPTED SEASON GREETINGS HAVE REPORTED SUFFERING FROM "REGREETOR'S SYNDROME", WHERE THE WISHEE FEELS COMPELLED TO PASS ALONG THE GREETING TO FRIENDS, FAMILY, STRANGERS, NON-RACERS AND IN THE MOST EXTREME CASES, RACE STEWARDS. WISHEE IS ADVISED TO CONSULT THE NEAREST SIX YEAR OLD CHILD FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PROPER USE OF ALL SEASON GREETINGS. SEEK LEGAL REPRESENTATION PRIOR TO RE-GREETING ANY POLITICAL LEADER, WHETHER SERVING AT THE LOCAL, STATE OR FEDERAL LEVEL. KEEP OUT REACH OF ANYONE DECEASED AS THAT IS JUST FREAKY. CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL MAY INDUCE EXCESSIVE BLATHERING DURING ANY INITIAL SEASON GREETING OR REGREETING ATTEMPT IS THEREFORE SUBJECT TO BEING VIDEO RECORDED AND HOSTED ON SOCIAL OUTLETS, INCLUDED BUT NOT LIMITED TO FACEBOOK, TWITTER, YOUTUBE, OR IN MORE EXTREME CASES, YOUPORN. NEVER TEXT SEASON GREETINGS WHILE DRIVING UNLESS YOU HAVE EMPLOYED THE SERVICES OF A PROPERLY TRAINED RIGHT SEAT, LEFT HAND STEERING SURROGATE DRIVER WITH YEARS OF USPS TRAINING.
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